And So It Goes...

It's been a year.

A year since that frantic phone call from Dad in the middle of the night.  I had recently assigned their home phone number a funny ring tone - it sounded like dogs barking.  At 3:15 in the morning it confused me big time when the dogs started barking.  All I could think was that surely it wasn't time to get up yet.  I'll never forget the panic in his voice...and I never use that ring tone anymore.

A year...365 days...we've hit all the calendar 'firsts' without her...our first birthday without her, our first Christmas, Dad's first wedding anniversary alone, and now our first anniversary of her flight to heaven.

There are a few things I've learned this year.  And even though I don't want this blog to be all about death (that's why I've avoided being here lately) I do feel like I need to record some things for my own benefit.  I need to raise my memorials, my stones in the desert, raise my own feeble Ebenezers so that I can look back and be reminded of the faithfulness of my Lord Jesus.

I've learned that what the sweet older ladies told me at the visitation and funeral is true: I'll never get over losing my momma.  I just won't.  There won't be a day where there won't be a slight ache in my heart, a longing to talk to her, a need to hug her.  It won't rule my life or ruin my days but I will always miss her.  And it's true, I don't grieve like those who have no hope but I do grieve, in a deep way, every day.

Never in my life has my faith been tested as it has been tested this past year.  I've never cried so much, questioned so much, doubted so much.  But in all of it the Lord has stood fast beside me; His Word has never failed me.  And I have been ashamed to see how shallow my commitment to Him has been.  I've been convicted over & over in the song service at church.  Hymns I sang with no real thought before have stuck in my throat as I've contemplated just what they mean...

All the way my Savior leads me; what have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His tender mercy, who through life has been my guide?
Heavenly peace, divinest comfort, here by faith with Him to dwell!
For I know whate're befall me, Jesus doeth all things well.

All the way my Savior leads me, cheers each winding path I tread,
Give me grace for ev'ry trial, feeds me with the living bread.
Though my weary steps may falter, and my soul athirst may be,
Gushing from the Rock before me, lo! a spring of joy I see.

All the way my Savior leads me; Oh, the fullness of His love!
Perfect rest to me is promised in my Father's house above.
When my spirit, clothed immortal, wings its flight to realms of day,
This my song through endless ages: Jesus led me all the way.
Fanny J. Crosby

I've had to think through questions like, "All the way my Savior leads me? Really?  Even with all of this death...my mom, several friends of the family, my G-ma...all in a year?  All of this loss?  He leads me?  This is right?!" And His Word comforts me with verses like "Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil for Thou art with me," and "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints." And so many other verses where I am forced to recognize, yes!  it's true! I don't understand it, but Jesus does do all things well.  I can trust Him.

The truth is, this year has hurt like the dickens.  I've been so sad; I've been changed; I've struggled; I've been pathetic; I've been angry; I have kicked, screamed, fought, & yelled.  My emotions have fought powerfully for control of my life.  Some days they have won the battle.  Other days I have actually yielded to the Holy Spirit & He has helped me life by truth instead of feelings.  Not surprisingly, those have been the better days.

The saddest, worst days are days like today when the calendar forces me to recognize the passage of time, the milestones without Mom.  And then there are the days when I see three generation photos & I remember that any child we ever have will not know their Grandma & there will be no three generation photo for us.  Or when I remember that there will probably never be that confusion again of whether I'm Mary Ann or Mary Lee or Mary Lou because I'm the only one left.  And my heart breaks a little again...

So I cling to another favorite verse & hymn that have come to mean so much to me over the past months...

"As for God, His way is perfect: the Word of the Lord is tried: He is a buckler to all those that trust in Him." Psalm 18:30

Simply trusting ev'ry day, trusting through a stormy way;
Even when my faith is small, trusting Jesus - that is all.

Brightly doth His Spirit shine into this poor heart of mine;
While He leads I cannot fall, trusting Jesus - that is all.

Singing if my way is clear, praying if the path be drear;
If in danger, for Him call - trusting Jesus that is all.

Trusting as the moments fly, trusting as the days go by;
Trusting Him whate'er befall, trusting Jesus - that is all.
Edgar Page Stites

Trust, faith, hope, dependence upon my God...these are all lessons I've learned this year.  And I've learned how worthy He is, how faithful He will always be.  Each day He proves it to me when I have the wherewithal to get out of bed, go to work, choose joy, carry on.  Because there are days left for me to live, work left for me to do, thanksgiving to give, joy to experience...this grief isn't all that's left to me.  It's part of my lot but it isn't all of it.  So He strengthens me to live on, trying to obey, trying to trust, trying to live the abundant life I know that the Lord wants me for me & that I know my momma would want for me, too.

Election Day Is Finally Here!

To say this week has not gone according to my plans would be a major understatement.  I didn't feel well Sunday night but I attributed it to being tired - surely a good night's rest was all I needed!  Monday dawned bright & early with a long To Do list & a queasy stomach.  And so goes 24+ hours of my life.  I doctored myself up as best as I could, dutifully munched the toast Mike fixed, & prayed I'd be well enough to go vote.

God is gracious.  I woke up this morning with a broken fever & no body aches.  I had the strength to get cleaned up, drive to the polls, wait in a short line, & cast my vote.  What a privilege!  I pray it's something I never take for granted.

Recently as I was reading my Bible I was taking in some of the Old Testament accounts of Israel & Judah.  Talk about political upheaval - kings were coming & going & wars were starting & finishing fast enough to make my head spin!  And this is what I wrote in my journal:
I have been reminded that from the very beginning God has been in control of the kings & kingdoms - He determined who would be established & who would fall.  The Lord always honored those who obeyed & those who humbled themselves & repented of their disobedience.
And so it is today.  May American leaders have the wisdom to humble themselves & repent of their disobedience.  And even if they do not, the Lord is still in control.  He will still work out His plan.  As an American I probably will not be able to confidently say, "It's all going to work out; it's all going to be OK!"  But as a daughter of the Most High King, I certainly can say "All is well.  The battle is already won & my future is bright with the Light of Heaven."

I hope you were able to go out & vote today.  God bless America. 

Not Giving Up!

I took on a big project yesterday.  It's a project that I've taken on for the past three years with varying degrees of completion/success.  The Project = Raking the Leaves.

Oy.  Autumn is a beautiful time of year but the shedding of leaves has to be part of the curse.  God help me if I have to raise my arms, lift anything, or grip anything tomorrow.  I.am.going.to.be.SORE.

But it's all done - the leaves have been raked & bagged! 

 I even mowed the grass!

It's still not a prize winning yard by any means.  But I am grateful that the Lord granted me the time & the strength to get it done!  And I'm most grateful that it only has to be done once a year *grin*

A Bit of An "Ah-ha" Moment

I have really kind of struggled this week.  It's been a physical/emotional kind of struggle.  No matter how much sleep I get, I'm tired.  No matter how much I get done, it feels like I'm wasting time.  No matter how many job searches I do, I can't seem to find the place that could be the right fit for me.  And then there are people in my life that I love who are also struggling.  And being the person that I am, when I hear about those other struggles I try to pick them up & carry them, stacking them on top of the burdens that are already weighing me down.

Oy.  What a way to live!  I'm pretty sure that this is not the abundant life that Jesus talks about giving to us.  But you know, I wasn't even aware of what I was doing until I had a conversation with Mike today on his lunch break.  

I was asking him if he thought I should see our doctor to check out whether or not I am struggling with depression.  Yep, it's kinda been that bad (that's part of the reason I have been hiding out from this space; who wants to read sad junk all the time?!).  I told him that some days I feel like I don't remember how to smile & when I try to, my face just feels twisted.  

Of course, Mike was loving, kind, & supportive in his response.  He told me I could if I thought it was necessary.  He told me there was nothing wrong with exploring the situation.  And he told me he knew how I felt because he had been in that same place before.  He calls it feeling 'blue'.  

Somehow, after he told me that I wasn't comforted.  I was kind of mad, actually & so, so sad.  Where is our joy?  Why are we so sad?  What are we missing that the Lord is trying to work out in us?

As I drove home I had a miniature pity party fit.  I cried & told God that I really just missed my mom so much.  And that I just wanted a job, for crying out loud!  And hadn't this been enough?  Wasn't He going to fix anything anytime soon?!

And I don't know what brought these thoughts to mind, but I started thinking about Thanksgiving.  Most of my Thanksgiving thoughts so far have been to fuss & worry about how we are going to plan & pull off the family meal because Mom was the genius behind all of that.  But today I actually had some genuine Thanksgiving thoughts.  I wondered, If I really start trying to be grateful for what I have, rather than mourn what I have lost, will I recover my joy?  Will I start to have some hope?  Will I learn to trust God?  Because I am really struggling with that...

And you probably really don't want to know where my thoughts went from there because it will just highlight to you what a freak I am.  I thought, Maybe I can list 1,000 gifts by the end of the year!  I'll be just like Ann Voskamp!  And I'll post them here on the blog every day!  Then I got to trying to do the math in my head...there are 61 days left in the year, 1,000/61=I-have-no-idea-but-it's-a-lot!  And then I got real with myself & admitted that I can in no way commit to posting here on the blog every single day.  I'm just too scattered for that.

Then my mind went into an even scarier place: I thought, I'll get on Pinterest & find some sort of Thanksgiving chart thing to make where Mike & I can daily list our blessings!  That idea is nuts for so many reasons, number one being that I don't have even a single sheet of construction paper in this house & number two being that Mike truly feels that stuff like that belongs in a elementary school classroom & not in our home, plastered on the kitchen wall, for example.

So I guess maybe I just need to make a change in my thinking.  And I know that the Lord will help me do that.  He already has, truthfully.  Right after I came home from meeting Mike on his lunch break (a perk of unemployment that I'm so grateful for) I came home & started raking/bagging the leaves in our yard.  As you all know, this is a somewhat exhausting chore & awkward (dumb leaves, GET.IN.THE.BAG!).  But as I raked & piled & scooped & bagged I thought about how we have a yard!  we have trees!  we have a rake! & bags! I'm healthy & strong enough to do the job!

Maybe what I'm finally beginning to learn is to "give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."  I Thessalonians 5:18

Because "all circumstances" includes the death of your mom, the loss of your job, the disappointment of expectations, the death of dreams, all circumstances = ALL circumstances.  And the Lord wouldn't ask me to do it if He couldn't help me accomplish it.

So I'm putting on my Turkey hat & starting the work of being thankful.  I hope you are, too!

Happy Halloween!

It's hard for me to believe it's Halloween already.  Hard because that means...

I've been unemployed for two months

I've been job hunting for a month & had absolutely no success

Our first Thanksgiving without Mom is merely weeks away

Our nephew Caleb will be officially a teenager in only 19 days (yikes!!)

And I haven't been on here posting anything for ages!

Hopefully I'll be around a lot more frequently in the next couple of weeks.  I have notes everywhere of different things that have happened, lessons that are being learned, & photos that are marked to be shared here.

But until then, Happy Halloween!  Everybody stay safe & enjoy the treats, avoid the tricks!

Counting It Down & Packing It Up

Part of me is very confused over my sadness with my job loss.  I've been unsatisfied with my job in many ways over the past couple of years.  There have been big issues (not enough work to do) & little discomforts (the early shift, the many miles driving, the cold air conditioning running all.year.round, sharing a bathroom with six men), so one would think that I would more readily embrace this change.  And it wasn't a surprise.  There had been concerns that led to suspicions which led to rumors which finally lead to the actual announcement - the doors are closing.  In two days.  Wow.  And the unexpected sadness of losing my job has settled into my soul, right next to the lingering sadness from saying goodbye to Mom.  As I've been stripped of them both, I realize how much security & sense of who I was & what I was worth as a person came from that relationship with Mom & my job here at Cardinal Health.  I know that is not how the Lord wants me to define myself & it's not how He wants me to claim my security.  He should hold that place in my heart & life.  And only as He strips them away from me do I realize how He has been displaced.  Many lessons to be pondering as I pack it up & prepare to hang up my lab coat for the last time...in two more days.

I've spent some time today packing up my office.  It's funny how many personal items have migrated into this work space.  There's artwork from nieces & nephews...pictures of family & friends dear...reminders of who my God is...& little keepsake gifts given to be flipped through daily...

 And now my space feels so bare.  It's like this desk could belong to anybody - not just me.  *sigh*

In between the packing of my personal things & the packing of the impersonal things of the lab - syringes, paperwork, tools, & other odds & ends not necessary for our final two days...in between all of this busy activity I have let my mind drift over promises I know that I need to cling to now.  Otherwise, next week when there is no job to go to I will just stay in bed & mourn.  Mourn this year full of challenges & difficulties.   Mourn my losses & pain.  I don't want to do that.  I want to learn to rejoice in my times of suffering.  I want to learn to offer the sacrifice of my praise.  I want to learn to lean hard into the One who cannot be moved.

If I don't learn these things, then what has all of this been endured for?

 The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; 

blessed be the name of the Lord.

Job 1:21b

 Make me to know your ways, O Lord;

    teach me your paths.

Lead me in your truth and teach me,

    for you are the God of my salvation;

    for you I wait all the day long.

Psalm 25:4-5

Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing 

 Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things 

and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ 

 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own 

that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, 

the righteousness from God that depends on faith— 

that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, 

and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death.

Philippians 3:8-10

 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

     his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

     great is your faithfulness.

  “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,

     “therefore I will hope in him.”

The Lord is good to those who wait for him,

    to the soul who seeks him.

  It is good that one should wait quietly

    for the salvation of the Lord.

Lamentations 3:22-26

 Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me,

    for in you my soul takes refuge;

in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge,

     till the storms of destruction pass by.

 I cry out to God Most High,

    to God who fulfills his purpose for me.

Psalm 57:1-2

For here we have no lasting city, but we seek the city that is to come.

Through him then let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, 

that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge his name. 

Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, 

for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.

Hebrews 13:14-16

 For the mountains may depart

    and the hills be removed,

but my steadfast love shall not depart from you,

    and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,

    says the Lord, who has compassion on you.

Isaiah 54:10

A Little Happy...

In case you were worried that I sat at home all weekend crying into my socks about Mom's birthday, I'll give you a little rundown of how we handled the occasion as a family.

We ate (of course!).  Instead of the normal family dinner at Mom & Dad's house we went to Olive Garden.  Who doesn't feel better about life & the world in general when they have a belly full of noodles?

Beth & I were there, too.  We were just too busy snapping pics of everyone else to actually get in any pics ourselves.  It was a nice dinner with a sweet waitress & even sweeter fellowship.  Balm for our souls.

And Aunt Ruth shared an answer to prayer.  She has Lupus (like my Mom) but she has had it manifest itself in some different ways.  She almost lost her vision this past year due to sudden, severe dryness of the eyes.  She has been carefully treated & monitored by an excellent eye doctor.  She has progressed well & just this week she was told that she is nearly fully recovered & can now space her check-ups out to every six months rather than every two months.  God is good.

And as my Monday morning dawned today, my last Monday at my job, I was tempted to be very sad & more than a little angry that I have no choice in this situation.  But then I heard the raindrops falling on our roof & I couldn't help but rejoice in another answered prayer - almost an entire inch of rain fell this morning.  Hallelujah!