Six Months...A Somber Milestone

Six months ago today I woke up to a nightmare.  And truthfully, some days, sometimes even most days, I feel like I'm still trapped in a nightmare.  Dad's frantic voice over the phone...the numb horror of realizing Mom was already gone with no last minute goodbye, no last hug, no last touch...when six hours earlier I had been talking with her on the phone.  It all happened so fast.  She was just gone.

And the past six months have crawled by.  I know that in time the Lord will help me deal with this grief.  I'm not angry anymore (at least not most of the time).  I can get out of bed, go to work, fix dinner, clean the house, fold laundry.  I can function most of the time.  Most of the time you could look at me & never know the sadness that I still carry around in my heart, trying to choke out my joy.  Sometimes it wins, but not always.  The Lord's grace is always with me & there have been so many faithful friends & family who have prayed.  I know it's so because I've been helped. 

Over & over today I've rehearsed the different things I'd say to Mom if I could.  It reminds me of when I was in college.  I would talk to Mom every Sunday night.  During the week I'd list all the different things I wanted to tell her about or ask her about.  I didn't want to forget anything because my mom was the type of mom that you could tell stuff to.  And Mom knew all of my stuff.  If I could talk to her today I'd say...

~I miss you.  Every day.  And I cry so much - I know you wouldn't really like that.  I need your 'stiff upper lip' lecture.

~I'm losing my job, Mom.  What am I supposed to do now?  I'm trying not to freak out but it's really hard.

~We're trying to get stuff together to do a craft fair.  I wish you could come visit us there...I always loved it when you showed up to my stuff.  Because you always did.

~I got my hair cut short!  I finally did it.  I know you wanted me to do it ages ago; I was just too chicken.  I wish you could see it.  And I've decided to embrace the gray; the dye has been kicked to the curb!  You'd be happy to see my silver streaks!

~Sometimes in church I stop singing so that I can listen for your voice.  Sometimes I swear I can hear you.  And it's the prettiest sound I've ever heard.

~I'm starting to despair of my housekeeping abilities.  How in the world did you keep our house so clean & uncluttered?!  I need your help.

~I didn't get any flowers planted in the front bed this year.  You weren't here to go to the Apple House with me to pick them out.  I got rid of the weeds but it's just this huge blank spot without you to help.

~Dad told me that I could have your purple leather purse.  I've been carrying it everywhere.  Every place I see purple I think of you & how it was your favorite color.  

~Your birthday is Saturday.  I think I will make a white cake from a box with butter cream frosting made with margarine - just like you liked it.  

~I love you.  So much.  You were the best momma a girl could have had.  I miss your quiet, confident faith & steady guidance.  You never spoke loudly or acted forcefully but you had tremendous impact.  I hope someday that I can be just a tiny bit of the wonderful that you were.  

August 2011
Mom's Birthday

Holiday World Family Vacay 2011
Showing off our Skee Ball winnings.