Reflections On Humiliation

Whatcha Gonna Do?

I have been that girl.  You know the one - she doesn't realize she just made an inappropriate joke, or she has a huge bright red zit on the tip of her nose, or while playing her clarinet she let out a squawk that sounded like a goose, or she ran into the doorway on her way out of the room - yep, I have been that girl.  MANY times.  You would think that each time such a silly screw up occurs that I would get less bothered by it.  But you know what, I still get bothered.  I'm pretty sure it's not something I'm going to grow out of.  That's why I try to think before I speak (and think & think & think), it's why I use expensive skin care, practice my clarinet, & really try hard to watch where I'm going.

I finally figured something out.  The reason why these little glitches bother me is because they leave me feeling humiliated.  

  hu·mil·i·a·tion

 the state or feeling of being humiliated;  mortification

Synonyms include degradation & dishonor.

These are not good feelings, my friend.

Except for one little thing.  These feelings hit when my pride has been stomped.  Huh.  As a child of God I'm supposed to be laying aside my pride at every opportunity.  Dying to myself & choosing to endure some discomfort if that's what it takes.

Well, let me tell you, the dear Lord finds all sorts of ways to slip these opportunities into my life. I'm extremely grateful that He lays some ground work in my heart (most of the time) so that although my pride will be stung, my heart will be drawn closer to Him.

Just such an occasion took place this past Sunday morning.  My momma & I were supposed to sing a duet in the morning worship service.  You all know I've been struggling with laryngitis & the vocal snack, crackle, pops lately.  I was hopeful that my voice would hold together for us to be able to sing.  We practiced a simple but beloved hymn, Be Still My Soul, & prayed for the best.  Momma had a short solo to sing in the choir selection too so she had a lot to get right.  

*Tiny disclaimer: I enjoy singing.  Singing in front of the church is a bit of a stretch for me though.  Most of all, I want to serve the Lord.  I sing because it's a way for me to serve Him.

Choir number is over, the offering is taken & it's our cue to sing before the sermon.  We get about halfway through the first verse & I've only warbled a little but Momma opens her mouth & nothing comes out.  I panicked a bit.  I had enough voice to sing the lower alto part but I had nothing to give in the higher registers.  If I had a really good ear I suppose I could have sung the melody an octave lower but I don't have a really good ear.  Suffice it to say we struggled through three verses with her voice fading in & out & some warbles & cracks from me.  As we walked back to our seats the church was quiet as a tomb.

And I felt a little humiliated.  And Momma was very upset.  We still don't really know what happened to her voice.  You know, it doesn't really matter.  When we prayed about what to sing & considered the words to the hymn that's what was really important.  The lyrics - they were strong words of love, encouragement, & peace.  As I reflected on that truth quietly whispered to my cringing heart I felt the humiliation fade away.  We had given our best, our desire was to encourage & uplift those who were listening & offer a sacrifice of praise & service to the Lord.  Did we do it perfectly?  Oh, no way Jose'.  But I don't think that is the point, do you?  And isn't there such freedom in that truth?

Make a joyful noise to the LORD, all the earth; 

break forth into joyous song and sing praises! 

Psalm 98:4

I Guess I'm Not Too Highly Principled After All

My Mason Money Jars of Motivation!

I like to think of myself as one who esteems the values of honesty, trustworthiness, decency... all those good morals that our parents tried to instill in us.

But I have this problem with laziness occasionally.  Sometimes I even let busyness creep in & keep me from being diligent & disciplined about things that I should be diligent & disciplined about - like some of my 12 for 2012.

We are now two weeks into the new year.  I have to say that I am doing fairly well with my exercise goals.  I would like to say that I doing just as well with my eating habits but I am trying to quit lying this year.  It's my trade off because I now accept bribes.  Yep, bribes in the form of cold hard cash have found a way into my life.  Now you understand why I have no room in my life for lying.  Only one vice at a time, thank you very much.

Via Pinterest, I found a little blip from www.womenshealthmag.com that suggested setting yourself up a little jar for bribery payment.  You see, every time I work out for 15 minutes I get a quarter.  All that moola goes into the jar on the right.  After I set that jar up & saw the cash laying in there I got to thinking that maybe I need to add another jar...the jar on the left is for house cleaning.  I kinda hate to spend my free time dusting, sweeping, doing dishes, mopping, etc.  But it has to be done & it should be done regularly.  As in at least a full go of it every two weeks (I hope you don't think we're dirty).  Anyway, I decided that each house cleaning earned me $1 (my sister says I should get a lot more; I like the way she thinks!).  I've also been toying with the idea of paying myself $1 into that jar every time I get eight hours of sleep.  It's another area I struggle with & cash is a powerful motivator!

I'm not sure what I'll do with the money or when I'll do it...suggestions are welcome!  Also, share if you have other ways of tricking yourself into doing things that should be done.  After all, we're all here to help each other, right? :-)

You Wanna Know What I Think?

This is what is going on right now outside my window.  Yep, winter has arrived.  I'm trying to comfort myself with some positive thoughts.  Here's what I think about snow:
Snow is supposed to happen in January.  We have enjoyed some freakishly warm days recently.  But it has been a bit freakish.  I do like things to be the way they are supposed to be.  It helps allay my fears of a zombie apocalypse.
Snow can be pretty.  In that short maybe two hour long span before it gets all muddied up by cars it's actually kind of pretty.  I love how the whiteness of it steals the darkness from the night.  I love how the fluffiness of it puts a muffler on the noise of the world.
But as you all know, I hate driving in it.  And I just found out that I will be making a two hour run first thing in the morning.  Boo.

You also wanna know what I think about Thursdays?  They are the second Monday of the week.  If there is a day during the week when I will oversleep & not even have time to do my hair, it's most likely a Thursday.  If there is a day of the week when I feel like I've been hit by a truck, it's either Monday or his cousin, the second Monday, a.k.a. Thursday.  I'm not sure if it's because it's toward the end of the week or because I'm always out late on Wednesday night for Bible Study & choir practice or what, but Thursdays can be a little rough in these parts.

Speaking of rough, I invited Jillian Michaels over to my house yesterday.  I thought it might be fun to work out together.  Yeah, not so much.  When I wasn't looking she must have been hitting me with a stick because I am all kinds of sore today like I've been beaten up.  That probably means I got a good work out, but I'm not sure that I want to be friends with her.  She's mean.

And you wanna know what I think about the awful respiratory infection/sinus infection/laryngitis that I've had?  It totally stinks.  My body still wants about nine hours of sleep every night (ain't gonna happen), my voice still squeaks & pops like crazy, & I'm still snotty (sorry I had to say that).  

But I have graduated from this mess of therapy to just using a little sinus rinse thing that is like a neti pot.  Have any of you ever used one?  I was so miserable with congestion that I went looking for anything that I thought might help.  Yes, I know that some people in Louisiana died from a soft tissue eating bacterial infection from using this type of thing.  But they were also using tap water & I use distilled water.  Evidently that's a big deal, huh?

I'm praying I can over this residual yuckiness before Sunday.  My mom & I are supposed to sing & it's going to be funny if I snap, crackle, pop my way through the song!

So, that's what I think...what's on your mind?

*Think you all so much for your soup making tips!  I think I will have a chance to do some experimenting this weekend.  If  I do, I'll let you know how it goes!

Soup

This was my yummy lunch today.

Winter is here.  It's gray.  It's wet.  It's cold.  It's blustery.

Perfect soup eating weather!

Can you tell I'm trying to look for the positives in this winter situation we have?!


I tried a new soup for lunch today.  It's far healthier than my usual Campbell's kind of soup. I checked out the label before I bought it & was happy to see that it contained no weird things I couldn't understand, all the ingredients were organic, & there was no added sugar or salt.  Win!  Then as I compulsively placed it in my grocery cart I checked the price.  Fail!  So my pantry still holds several of those red & white cans.  When I read the labels I'm just blown away by the sodium & the sugar.  But the convenience is so fabulous...& their soups have the flavor my palette is accustomed to...their soup is fairly inexpensive & widely available...

But all those excuses do not really make up for the fact that these processed soups do not meet up with my intentions for this year.  I need to remember my 12 for 2012!  I was thinking that in pursuit of my goals regarding eating more healthful, unprocessed foods I need to try making my own soup.

I have tried soup making in the past with moderate success.  I make a mean chili (with pumpkin!), creamy vegetable chowder, & beef stew.  The problem is, all of these recipes make a huge batch & I know for certain that the vegetable chowder does not freeze well (you can take my word on it *shudder*).  I'm mostly interested in some soups that I can make a smallish batch (hopefully in the crock pot), portion out & then take to work for my lunch.

I am also interested in making my own stock for the soups.  I have a package of local free range chicken necks & backs in my freezer right now.  Doesn't that just sound awful - necks & backs?!  Anyway, I was assured they were great for making chicken soup.  Problem is, I don't really know what to do with it & what to add to it & how to do it...

And to take things even one step further into unknown territory for me, I would like to start using dried beans instead of canned beans.  Once again, I'm just not sure how to approach it.

I know that I can probably find all the answers I'm looking for plus a whole lot more if I just did a big swagbucks search & waded through the plethora of information out there on the internet.

But before I do that, I kinda just want to ask you guys instead *grin*
So hit me!  Tell me all that you know about soup making!

Wrapping It Up!

 Sometimes I know I'm bad about not giving you the rest of the story...wrapping up all the loose ends.  A long time ago I signed up for an international craft swap.  I told you all about how you could sign up, too.  Then I asked you what I should make & then I told you what I made & then I sent it off without showing you a single pic because Mike had it all packaged up & ready to go before I could blink.  He's handy like that.
Anyway, I never showed you what I received.  And it was such an exciting package - all the way from Australia!

 Zoe was the organizer of the swap & she ended up sending a package to me because my original swapper had to drop out of the swap due to some extenuating circumstances.  Zoe did not disappoint me!  She made me a wonderful colorful zipper pouch & an adorable, delicate cross stitch heart brooch.  The pouch happily resides in the new purse I got for Christmas & the brooch is on the collar of my coat.

I love the color on my gray coat.  I think it really pops.  And since Valentine's Day is coming right up, the hearts are in perfect season!

*Here's a link to Zoe's Etsy shop. In case you have any shopping to do :-)

Happy New Year, everybody!

I know, I'm a little late getting this greeting out.  You know, I just struggle with New Year's every year.  It's a little weird, I suppose.

The holidays this year were rough.  I had laryngitis, a sinus infection, a chest cold, & a generally cranky disposition which stubbornly refused to allow me to go to the doctor until January 1st when our health insurance benefits renewed.  One course of antibiotics later I'm feeling better but I'm still having a lot of trouble with my voice.  On Christmas Eve all I could do was whisper & even that wasn't comfortable (my brother kept saying, "It's a Christmas miracle!" ha.ha.).  I've come a long way since then but I still squeak, squawk, & cannot sing a note.  On nights when I don't get 8-9 hours of sleep I feel like a Mack truck has hit me.  Thankfully we were on vacation the week between Christmas & New Year's & didn't really have big plans.  We went to bed when we wanted, got up without an alarm & just enjoyed the time off as best as we could with me hicking, hacking, squeaking, & squawking!

On New Year's Eve I didn't even stay up until midnight.  I feel asleep & then was awoken by neighbors shooting off fireworks at about five til midnight.  I woke up long enough to give Mike a squeeze, a Happy New Year! & then I went right back to sleep.

I've never been a big fan of New Year's.  I'm not usually a pessimistic person, but even when I was a kid I struggled with New Year's being a time to reflect on all the things that were NOT accomplished, the goals NOT reached, the time LOST.  I was a real Debbie Downer.  And if I'm not careful, I fall into that trap year after year.  This year I did fairly well, not really fussing over resolutions or being overly sensitive about the time going by...after all January 1st is just another day on the calendar.  But I did have a small panic attack on Monday, January 2nd.  Mike & I were trying to make the most of our last vacay day.  I was picking up the house since I had neglected most chores over our time off & my illness.  I just had this cold wave come over me while I was sorting laundry...2012 could be the year that my job goes away, that my precious G's move on from this world, that other major health issues in my family could flare, that Mike & I somehow fall apart...it's a whole new year of whatever bad could happen.
I know this is NOT how I'm supposed to be thinking.  I am so grateful Mike was there & that he had all the wise, godly things to say to me - the Lord is in control, He always works for our good, He always strengthens us for the circumstances He gives us, God can be trusted - even with those that we love.
And so since my little meltdown I've been trying to refocus my mind on some of the positive, wonderful things that 2012 can bring.  And I've been praying for the Lord to direct my goal setting.  After all, it's so not about me & what I want to accomplish.

I'm so clever I've come up with 12 for 2012!
*I've been praying about a focus word.  A word that will help me in my spiritual growth.  This year for me the Lord has made it clear that I need to focus on obedience.  I more than a little bit addicted to my own comfort & I have been more than willing to allow my fears to keep from from obeying.  It's going to be an interesting year.
*Last year I started reading my Bible through following the chronological schedule.  It's been interesting & given me a different perspective on Bible history.  I'm loving it & this year I want to finish it - get the whole thing read!
*This year's holiday scene was a little hectic & harried.  Last minute shopping, gift wrapping, illness, the whole gamut of little stresses.  So Mike & I decided that we wanted to have Christmas all wrapped up by December 1st.  Every gift selected, purchased, & wrapped.  I think we can do it.  We also want to incorporate more handmade gifts & more etsy purchased gifts.
*Last Friday night we had my sister's family & a couple of friends over for dinner & fun.  It had been a very long time since we had opened our home up for hospitality.  It.was.so.fun.  I feel like we need to do this on a regular basis.  My little brain is already spinning with ideas for who to invite, menus to fix, & activities to take part in.  I'm hoping that we can do this at least monthly.
*Since we so enjoyed our accidental tomato plants this past summer, I really want to put in a small garden this year.  It's going to take some sweet talking on my part to get Mike fully on board but I think we can handle tomatoes, green beans, & zucchini at least.
*I need to strengthen my sewing skills.  Years ago I started this quilt.  I work on it little by little & yet I still don't have the top pieced.  And it's a pattern from a book of 'weekend quilts' HA!  Anyway, I want to finish that bad boy this year.
*I want to expand my reading horizons.  I'm a big reader; I don't think there is any better way to fall asleep than to drift off while reading a book.  So I usually read a little bit every day.  But I get in ruts of fiction.  I do love a good story.  But I'm thinking it could be very beneficial for me to take some time reading some nonfiction.  I am curious about many things & you're never too old to learn something new, right?
*I would like to continue making changes in our diet so that we are consuming fewer processed foods.  I need to get back into the habit of making more things myself - like granola bars for example.  Also, I would like to learn more about soaking grains.  Any of my readers know about the process?  Any of you do it on a regular basis?  It's one of those things I'm curious about...
*Of course we have financial goals.  We are almost out of the debt black hole.  Once we are in the clear there we need to make some concrete goals for saving.  We also need to be intentional with our spending & track the money as it flies out of our account.
*And of course there are some fitness goals I'd like to reach.  I've found some extra weight since we got married (it's a normal thing to do but I am not sure I like being so normal!).  Also, I'm not training for the Indy Mini this year so I'm going to have to be very dedicated to working out.  I am thinking over several tactics to keep my hiney in gear.  I'm thinking that will be another post where you all can leave me tips for how you keep yourself in gear!  And it's not just going to be accomplished with exercise.  I seriously need to tame my sweet tooth & my inner snacker.  They have become vicious monsters.
*I would like to have a little less tv/computer/iphone time.  All that screen time tends to make me a bit inattentive to the people around me.  Mike & I are not big tv watchers but the computer & definitely the iphones get a little too much love.  Instead of the screen time I'd like to have more play time, more sleep, more conversation...doesn't that sound great?
*And of course I'd like to blog more regularly.  It seems that most of the time I have something I want to say or something I want to post so that I can remember it.  This is a wonderful life the Lord has given me & I so want to document His goodness to me.  And the funny stuff.  Because there always seems to be some funny stuff :-)

So there you have it!  My short, concise list of 12 goals for 2012!

If you made it all the way through this long, pictureless, rambling post - bless.your.heart.

Merry Christmas!

I've decided that I don't like getting old 

(right now you're thinking, 'what does that have to do with Christmas?  she should be writing a post about Christmas...after all it IS Christmas Eve Eve & she has a pic of their Christmas tree at the beginning of the post...'  Hang on, I'll get there).

Several things with me have changed over the last couple of years & I'm sure that's it is completely related to the aging process.  Which is inevitable, stinky, & way too quick to happen.

First of all, I have so much to do & I never seem to get it all done.  Back when my world was school, family activities & a few church activities I had all the extra time in the world.  I could read, play, watch an entire movie in one sitting without falling asleep...I had no idea how good I had it.

Secondly, I just plain old felt better.  I think it might have to do with the amount of sleep I used to get as a kid.  As a grown up with that never ending to do list I get less & less sleep.  And that makes me feel tired, old, & occasionally cranky.  I know, that cranky part is hard to believe!

Thirdly, I feel too much.  As in, I cry at the drop of a hat.  It's actually kind of pathetic.  I'm not sure what has happened to my emotions but they have definitely gone into hyper sensitive mode.  And no, this is not a pregnancy announcement.  Here's an example of what I'm talking about: I was thoroughly excited about our church's children's Christmas program.  I just love to see them singing their songs & doing their thing.  Then I sat in the pew & fought tears the entire time.  *sigh*  It just does something to my heart to see those kids singing & talking about Jesus's birth.  

And then there's the Christmas music.  "O Holy Night" is my all time absolute favorite.  The second verse says:

The king of kings lay thus in lowly manger

In all our trials born to be our friend.

He knows our needs

To our weakness He's no stranger...

It gets me every time.  If I even try to sing along my voice goes all warble-y.  The almighty Creator born of a woman in order to be my friend...to become akin to my frail weakness...to understand my needs - especially my need of a Savior.  I am overwhelmed.  I am humbled.  And I am filled with such gratitude.  Where would I be without my Jesus?

And let's not forget to mention the Christmas gatherings with the family.  Mike & I will be running all over town to visit family here & there.  My crazy, fabulous family.  Mike's incredibly loving family.  Can a heart burst?  Seriously, I think I might be going nuts.  I just want to wrap them all up in a big hug & keep them with me all.the.time.  When I contemplate families separated by geographical distance or broken relationships, guess what?  I get teary.  I could literally bawl at the thought.  And those commercials of soldiers sending greetings home?  I'm a goner...get me a tissue...or a whole box.

So, I'm fixing to blubber my way through Christmas.  I'm going to be carrying around a heart full of raw emotion - love, gratitude, joy...it's going to be great!

I wish God's best blessing on your Christmas!  And as always, thank you so much for meeting with me here in this little blog spot.  It means a lot to me...*sniff, sob*  

Gotcha :-)