Thursday, August 23, 2012

Six Months...A Somber Milestone

Six months ago today I woke up to a nightmare.  And truthfully, some days, sometimes even most days, I feel like I'm still trapped in a nightmare.  Dad's frantic voice over the phone...the numb horror of realizing Mom was already gone with no last minute goodbye, no last hug, no last touch...when six hours earlier I had been talking with her on the phone.  It all happened so fast.  She was just gone.

And the past six months have crawled by.  I know that in time the Lord will help me deal with this grief.  I'm not angry anymore (at least not most of the time).  I can get out of bed, go to work, fix dinner, clean the house, fold laundry.  I can function most of the time.  Most of the time you could look at me & never know the sadness that I still carry around in my heart, trying to choke out my joy.  Sometimes it wins, but not always.  The Lord's grace is always with me & there have been so many faithful friends & family who have prayed.  I know it's so because I've been helped. 

Over & over today I've rehearsed the different things I'd say to Mom if I could.  It reminds me of when I was in college.  I would talk to Mom every Sunday night.  During the week I'd list all the different things I wanted to tell her about or ask her about.  I didn't want to forget anything because my mom was the type of mom that you could tell stuff to.  And Mom knew all of my stuff.  If I could talk to her today I'd say...
~I miss you.  Every day.  And I cry so much - I know you wouldn't really like that.  I need your 'stiff upper lip' lecture.
~I'm losing my job, Mom.  What am I supposed to do now?  I'm trying not to freak out but it's really hard.
~We're trying to get stuff together to do a craft fair.  I wish you could come visit us there...I always loved it when you showed up to my stuff.  Because you always did.
~I got my hair cut short!  I finally did it.  I know you wanted me to do it ages ago; I was just too chicken.  I wish you could see it.  And I've decided to embrace the gray; the dye has been kicked to the curb!  You'd be happy to see my silver streaks!
~Sometimes in church I stop singing so that I can listen for your voice.  Sometimes I swear I can hear you.  And it's the prettiest sound I've ever heard.
~I'm starting to despair of my housekeeping abilities.  How in the world did you keep our house so clean & uncluttered?!  I need your help.
~I didn't get any flowers planted in the front bed this year.  You weren't here to go to the Apple House with me to pick them out.  I got rid of the weeds but it's just this huge blank spot without you to help.
~Dad told me that I could have your purple leather purse.  I've been carrying it everywhere.  Every place I see purple I think of you & how it was your favorite color.  
~Your birthday is Saturday.  I think I will make a white cake from a box with butter cream frosting made with margarine - just like you liked it.  
~I love you.  So much.  You were the best momma a girl could have had.  I miss your quiet, confident faith & steady guidance.  You never spoke loudly or acted forcefully but you had tremendous impact.  I hope someday that I can be just a tiny bit of the wonderful that you were.  

August 2011
Mom's Birthday

Holiday World Family Vacay 2011
Showing off our Skee Ball winnings.


Debbie Moore said...

What sweet thoughts. She is so proud of you! I am sure of it! You are doing great. Won't it belorious when we are reunited with our loved ones and can see our Lord face to face...

Alicia said...

Loved those laughing photos of your dear mama! Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. You make me want to hug my mom closer and cherish those details of every day life that seem like nothing but add up to everything. Praying for you tonight, dear.

Anonymous said...

Lv and prayers my sweet friend. As the tears streamed down my face, while I read your words my heart is crying out to our Savior for you. That His comfort would continue to rush over you and you would continue to feel His presence as He carries you. I loved the precious memories that came to mind as I read your notes to your precious mama. One funny one was that no matter what I showed her that was purple with Mary Kay she would always buy it:). From plum blush to eye color to lipstick to lipgloss. She cracked me up! I hope my children will feel the radiant love that she always had for her children. Love you so much! You are being prayed for even now.Lv you, Heidi K