Six months ago today I woke up to a nightmare. And truthfully, some days, sometimes even most days, I feel like I'm still trapped in a nightmare. Dad's frantic voice over the phone...the numb horror of realizing Mom was already gone with no last minute goodbye, no last hug, no last touch...when six hours earlier I had been talking with her on the phone. It all happened so fast. She was just gone.
And the past six months have crawled by. I know that in time the Lord will help me deal with this grief. I'm not angry anymore (at least not most of the time). I can get out of bed, go to work, fix dinner, clean the house, fold laundry. I can function most of the time. Most of the time you could look at me & never know the sadness that I still carry around in my heart, trying to choke out my joy. Sometimes it wins, but not always. The Lord's grace is always with me & there have been so many faithful friends & family who have prayed. I know it's so because I've been helped.
Over & over today I've rehearsed the different things I'd say to Mom if I could. It reminds me of when I was in college. I would talk to Mom every Sunday night. During the week I'd list all the different things I wanted to tell her about or ask her about. I didn't want to forget anything because my mom was the type of mom that you could tell stuff to. And Mom knew all of my stuff. If I could talk to her today I'd say...
~I miss you. Every day. And I cry so much - I know you wouldn't really like that. I need your 'stiff upper lip' lecture.
~I'm losing my job, Mom. What am I supposed to do now? I'm trying not to freak out but it's really hard.
~We're trying to get stuff together to do a craft fair. I wish you could come visit us there...I always loved it when you showed up to my stuff. Because you always did.
~I got my hair cut short! I finally did it. I know you wanted me to do it ages ago; I was just too chicken. I wish you could see it. And I've decided to embrace the gray; the dye has been kicked to the curb! You'd be happy to see my silver streaks!
~Sometimes in church I stop singing so that I can listen for your voice. Sometimes I swear I can hear you. And it's the prettiest sound I've ever heard.
~I'm starting to despair of my housekeeping abilities. How in the world did you keep our house so clean & uncluttered?! I need your help.
~I didn't get any flowers planted in the front bed this year. You weren't here to go to the Apple House with me to pick them out. I got rid of the weeds but it's just this huge blank spot without you to help.
~Dad told me that I could have your purple leather purse. I've been carrying it everywhere. Every place I see purple I think of you & how it was your favorite color.
~Your birthday is Saturday. I think I will make a white cake from a box with butter cream frosting made with margarine - just like you liked it.
~I love you. So much. You were the best momma a girl could have had. I miss your quiet, confident faith & steady guidance. You never spoke loudly or acted forcefully but you had tremendous impact. I hope someday that I can be just a tiny bit of the wonderful that you were.
|Holiday World Family Vacay 2011|
Showing off our Skee Ball winnings.